I have never been able to shake the perception of my failure to cherish the closely-forged friendships I have had, throughout my life. My inability to feel equal among my friends corrodes my sense of place in their lives.
Without being conscious of equality, my frame of mind shifts entirely to focus on that loneliness. My inescapable fear of being insignificant creates a void of emotional security, and to fill that void, I feel that I must overcome the loneliness coincides. When friendship is not reciprocated, it creates a burden of emotional stress.
I get a clear, unmistakable sense of serenity when a friendship is reciprocated. I receive a universally encompassing warmth when someone expresses their love for me. I get an aching sensation in my heart when someone I would move mountains for would refuse to do the same for me. When a friendship is not reciprocated, I experience a knot forming in my stomach; I have a necessity to feel special in a way to be convinced that I am accepted.
My friends provide for me the compassion and security that could not be gathered through my parents. I cling desperately to those who offered me that sense of security, as I have never lived under the luxury of experiencing that from my parents.Receiving praise gives me a sense of reassurance. When someone praises me, I receive a sense of approval- something I do not get from my parents.
I have always been told to work harder or that I am not good enough, which makes it difficult to understand that anyone loves me. Thusly, I crave praise to experience the warmth that only friendship can yield. I desperately crave recognition for the things I do. I go through life day-to-day not sure if I will ever be worth anything. Friendship allows me relief from the constant, inescapable desire for validation.The emotional stress of anxiety is as if I do not know whether or not someone is being rude or just sarcastic, so I constantly wonder what they think of me.
I know that my friends are there for me, but it is hard for me to comprehend that it is true. Thusly I fall in a state of feeling alone and worthless. The anxiety takes command of my feelings and I lose trust in others. I get a strong fear that stirs inside me wondering if I should trust somebody. The thought that I have hurt someone turns my stomach. Along with emotional stress, I get a physical strain.
The stomach turns I receive when I am anxious, is a part of a never-ending spiral of panic attacks. Part of my panic attacks is the feeling of muscles tensing up, a pounding headache, and rapid breathing. The second I feel even remotely alone, it triggers a panic attack A panic attack to me is like a weight on my heart while it is skipping every other beat, my blood like ocean waves crashing in the veins of my whole body, my eyes like a faucet with not end in sight, my head pounds like it’s shrinking yet expanding all at once, I am suffocating while my brain won’t shut off; and every second it continues I become more miserable.
A large part of my need for friendship is I have the constant feeling of hopelessness and loneliness, even if I am in a room full of people I care about, I feel as if I have no one. I need someone that will be there for me in order to not feel hopeless. I do not feel the same trust for my parents as I do for my friends. The reason I desire strong friendships is, because of the lack of a relationship between me and my parents. Due to the fact that my relationship with my parents is tense, I have a lack of trust in adults. When other adults offer me praise it is difficult for me to understand that it is genuine. My parents are highly conducive to the feeling of hopelessness and they let it fester inside me.
It is hard for me to understand that I cannot have a close friend by my side every second of every day- I become attached and get lost without them. Becoming lost and afraid creates an intense sense of worthlessness. I get stressed worrying they do not care about me anymore. Without knowing that a friend is there for me, I develop a mentality of worthlessness. I try to remedy that mentality of emotional weight by clinging on to a peer.
There are many displays of the same feeling in the Iliad. One is when Achilles loses Patroclus, because he decided not to follow Patroclus into the war. Achilles found out through Antilochus that Patroclus had died. After finding out about Patroclus’s death, Achilles realizes that he cannot go home. To me, this is similar because since he did not reciprocate his love to Patroclus.
He endures emotional stress, because he feels as if he did not return the same feeling Patroclus had. He goes through pain realizing that he can no longer face his family at home. Achilles thought he failed his family and that there was no escape to what he had done.In a sense, this is similar to what I have been saying. To me he felt like he failed his family, I have a constant feeling that I have failed those around me. In the book when Achilles had found out he screamed “No.” this to me is the panic inside me and the tears that fall.
Correspondingly another thing that I thought was close was that he went through emotional stress. Throughout my life when I felt like I was not giving what I wanted back I gave myself emotional stress.Comparatively another person that receives stress due to lack of love being reciprocated was Thetis. She loved her son so much she was willing to do anything in order to make Achilles happy. Each time she came up, you could tell that she was in pain, from knowing that her son would die.
Time and time again Achilles would ask and she would give; In all the times that she gave Achilles, he did not give Thetis anything of significance. In general, I thought that this was similar to what I felt, because I would do anything for my friends. They mean a lot to me and I would do anything to make them happier, but like Thetis, I’d be scared of them leaving. Although my close friends do reciprocate love I always feel as if they won’t.
I have been in toxic friendships where they did not and the feel was immensely painful. This was similar to how Thetis was in pain when she would give everything she had to Achilles and he would only take.I latch on to other people to try and cope with my constant fear and anxiety. Emotional stress is created when a friendship not being reciprocated. I constantly want to know that I have someone there for me.
There have been many times in my life where I have felt different levels of everything. No matter what I always have a slight unlining feeling of uneasiness that consumes me. I hope that eventually, I could be fully confident without the fear of someone leaving me.